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Here’s how to make friends as an introvert

Making friends seems easy, right? You attend an event, socialise and talk to new people. And by the end of the night, you have loads of new buddies.

If you’re an introvert though, the thought of socialising may make you cringe. And sadly, this can make it difficult for you to make friends. Generally, introverts crave deep relationships with a small circle of people and struggle to socialise. This is unlike extroverts, who thrive when they’re around large groups.

Many introverts end up lonely because they’d rather avoid social situations that make them feel stressed out. If you’re an introverted student, don’t worry. There are ways that you can make friends without attending a party.

Start with your own circle

If you find parties or other gatherings daunting, why not look at your own circle? Chances are you have some acquaintances who are worth getting to know better. Go through your phone and decide which contacts are interesting. Shoot them a text or talk to them more to decide if they’d make a good friend. When you’re brave enough, suggest something simple – like a coffee.

Find your people

If you go to a party or bar, you’re unlikely to find many introverts. But, if you go to places you enjoy, you’re more likely to find your future bestie. Choosing a place that relates to your hobby or passions is also a good idea. For example, a writing or photography class. Also, being in a place you’re comfortable in means you’ll feel more comfortable too. So, hit up your favourite space or grab a friend to make it an introvert party.

Be patient

If you’re serious about making friends, understand that it’ll take time and effort. Let go of the idea that it’s going to happen overnight. . At first, it’s going to be uncomfortable because as with all relationships, comfort and trust need to be earned. Throughout the process, remind yourself that you’ve got to start somewhere. It will be worth it in the end when you find your new bestie.

Use your superpower

Introverts are known for being excellent listeners.. Casually ask potential friends questions about themselves. Ask what they’re doing this weekend, what’s new in their life and about their hobbies. You will need to talk about yourself too, but don’t keep the spotlight on yourself. Using your listening skills will make them feel special and like they matter.

Assess how you feel

It’s important to choose your friends wisely, and even more so for introverts. How you feel with potential friends says a lot about how the friendship will do in the long-term. Ask yourself: Do you feel drained or energised after hanging out with them? Do they make you feel like hiding out at home for days after seeing them? Overall, they should make you feel good and comfortable to just be yourself.

Schedule meet-ups

Once you find someone who’s a good fit, keep the momentum going so your friendship can bloom. Ask your new friend to hang out once a week, maybe on weekends or after work. A weekly catch-up will help strengthen your bond and will fill otherwise lonely days with something to look forward to. Since there is nothing an introvert dislikes more than last-minute socialising, stick to your diary! Having a social schedule means you’ll feel more comfortable as you’ll know what to expect.

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How a six-second kiss can affect your relationship

Did you know that kissing has loads of mental and physical benefits?

Science shows that kissing triggers your brain to release feel-good chemicals by igniting the pleasure centres of the brain.

These chemicals include oxytocin, the “love hormone” which calms you; and dopamine and serotonin which make you feel joyful and encourage feelings of affection and bonding. These also lower your cortisol (stress hormone) levels that could help ease your blood pressure.

The science behind kissing

According to Dr John Gottman, the butterflies you feel in your stomach come from the epinephrine and norepinephrine hormones that increase your heartbeat and send oxygenated blood to your brain.

Researchers have found that extending the length of your kisses by a few seconds can kick your nervous systems into a connecting, safety and relaxing mode. The knock-on effect is a positive impact on your emotional and physical wellbeing.

While kissing may be good for your health it can also help strengthen your relationship. Other affectionate communication, like hugging and saying “I love you,” can impact the physiological processes related to stress management.

What’s more, swapping spit boosts your immunity by exposing you to new germs that may strengthen your immune system. Saliva also contains testosterone, a sex hormone that plays a role in sexual arousal. The longer and more passionately you kiss, the more testosterone gets released.

Rekindle the romance

The truth is, no relationship is perfect. But there are many ways you can improve your bond to ensure a quality relationship with your partner.

Ask your partner something new

Communication will always be a make-or-break factor in the success of any relationship. Ask how your partner’s day went and find out what they may have learnt for the day. Engage in the conversation.

Be appreciative

At times you may overlook what your partner does for you. You may subconsciously treat their acts of kindness as an expectation instead of effort or simple gesture from the heart. Show that you appreciate their hard work.

Know when to apologise

Sometimes being right isn’t as important as being compassionate. Choose which battles are worth fighting. Although knowing that you are right can make you feel a sense of victory, there’s maturity in apologising during an argument that isn’t as important as the person with whom you’re arguing.

Be mindful of the small things

Another way to add meaning to your conversation is to truly listen to what your significant other is saying, and make mental notes of what they express.

Let go of the past

Unfortunately, what happened in the past doesn’t always stay there. However, it can be difficult to move forward in a relationship when you’re still caught up in events from years ago. Letting go helps you move on, and brings a natural progression of your relationship.

Show some affection

Along with expressing your gratitude to your partner, let your actions say how much you care! A little PDA never hurts. This helps your partner know how you really feel about them outside of your four walls. Remember: we are not what we say; we are what we do.   

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How to get over your ex – according to science

For most people, a break-up usually involves some degree of pain and shock. The trauma can affect you deeply and leave you with feelings of depression, anxiety, exhaustion, and even insomnia.

This whirlwind of emotions could make you feel like nothing will ever be the same again, in the worst possible way. This may be true, but consider the opposite: could this change be for the better?

Strategies for getting over your ex can range from listening to your favourite song for weeks on end, or hopping on to a dating app to perk yourself up with a rebound. While those may bring you short-term satisfaction, science offers some other solutions.

Getting over it

Researchers at the University of Missouri-St. Louis looked at three strategies people use to move on from a recent break-up. The research was based on 24 subjects, aged 20 to 37, coming out of relationships that lasted about two years. People were split into four groups that focused on different coping mechanisms plus a control group.

  1. The first group was told to think negatively about their exes.
  2. The second one was asked to accept what had happened and acknowledge that the love they feel for the person is a normal part of the process.
  3. The third focused on things unrelated to their exes.
  4. The fourth group wasn’t asked anything in particular.

Participants were given a questionnaire and the team measured their emotional attachment to their exes. Afterwards, the subjects were shown pictures of their exes while undergoing an electroencephalogram (monitoring method to record the electrical activity of the brain) reading.

The research team found that all three strategies worked to reduce their emotional response toward their exes in the short-term.

  • The first group felt less love, but they also ended up in a worse mood.
  • The second group didn’t feel any better and their love for their exes didn’t change.
  • The third group felt happier overall, but the approach didn’t change how in love they were with their exes.

The study shows that these are all effective ways to feel more in control of your feelings, particularly if you’re lost after a break-up. These shouldn’t be seen as long-term solutions though, as getting over a relationship can’t be done overnight.

Help at hand

Cut all social media ties
According to research, looking at a picture of an ex who recently dumped you is enough to activate areas of the brain linked with physical pain. To truly get over someone, you should go cold turkey and stop keeping tabs on them through social media.

Remind yourself of the person’s bad points
When you’re trying to move on from your ex, concentrating on their negative qualities is more effective than remembering their positive traits.

Work out!
Exercise can improve your mood and help reduce feelings of depression, thanks to mood-boosting endorphins. Don’t wallow in those feelings – go run or walk it off.

Don’t hook up with your ex
Sleeping with an ex can increase symptoms of psychological distress which will do more harm than good as it slows down your recovery process.

Go on holiday
Find your Zen. Take a journey of self-discovery (if you can get away) and find what you really want outside of the hustle and bustle. This will help clear your mind and think more logically.

Wait out the pain
The more time and space you get after a break-up, the more you heal emotionally.

References

Help for emotional abuse

Your significant other has never hit or shouted at you, so why do they make you feel so bad all the time?

It may be emotional abuse.

From black-and-blue bruises to cuts and grazes, physical abuse leaves behind easy-to-spot traces. But the effects of emotional abuse can be harder to identify, and knowing when its happening to you is often trickier.

Like physical abuse, emotional abuse refers to an attempt to control another person. Although there isn’t any physical harm, emotions are the abuser’s weapon of choice.

There’s a misconception that emotional abuse only involves your partner shouting or swearing at you, but this isn’t true. Emotional abuse can also refer to a situation in which your partner’s behaviour makes you feel insignificant, like when you’re unable to express yourself or when you must change your behaviour to prevent an emotional outburst or backlash.

Types of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can take different forms:

Criticism

This includes any unpleasant comments like name-calling or behaviours that lower your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Guilt-tripping

From giving you the silent treatment to sulking all the time, guilt-tripping involves any behaviour that aims to manipulate you. This form of emotional abuse can escalate to behaviours like emotional outbursts and, sometimes, threats of suicide.

Economic abuse

This includes not involving you in the household finances, preventing you from working, withholding money, or constantly reminding you that you don’t contribute enough financially. The aim of this form of abuse is usually to strip away your independence or freedom of choice.

Intimidation

This might include behaviours like shouting, swearing or any other behaviour that makes you feel afraid.

Undermining

If you’ve ever felt like your opinion doesn’t count around your partner, then they may be undermining you. This can also involve them making you doubt your every move or thought.

Controlling

Have you avoided seeing your friends for months because your partner doesn’t want you to see them? Or do you need permission to do everyday things, like wearing certain clothes? Emotional abuse and control go together. So, if your significant other is keeping you on a leash, they’re trying to control you for their benefit.

Signs of emotional abuse

Over time, emotional abuse takes its toll on you. The abusive behaviour might make you experience:

  • Anxiety or fear.
  • Shame or guilt.
  • Confusion
  • Aggression (in defence of the abuse).
  • Self-doubt (you might question your memory).
  • Crying
  • Avoidance of eye contact.
  • Feeling powerless.
  • Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
  • Feeling helpless.
  • Feeling unattractive.
  • Feeling controlled.

What now?

If you suspect that you’re being emotionally abused, it’s time to act.

  • Don’t blame yourself. Emotional abuse knocks down your self-esteem. It’s easy to blame yourself for what you’re going through. Understand that you aren’t the problem. Also, understand that you can’t “fix” your partner. You can’t control their actions, but you can control your response.
  • Get support. Being silent simply gives the abuser more power. Speak up and get help. Talk to a close friend, family member, or counsellor. Take time away from the person and spend time with those who support and love you. This will make you feel less alone and give you an objective perspective from those who aren’t directly involved. Try to see it from the outside looking in. You may not be able to identify your partner’s abusive behaviour because you’ve become so used to it.
  • Establish boundaries. Once you have your support system and feel stronger, it’s time to face the abuser. Draw lines in the sand by telling them that they can’t insult, yell or be rude to you any longer. Tell them what the consequences of their actions will be. And then, act. If they insult you, walk out of the room. It’s important to stick to your boundaries. If you don’t, they won’t take you seriously.
  • Plan your exit. If your partner isn’t prepared to make a change, it’s time to leave. Being emotionally abused will affect your mental and physical health in the long run. Discuss your thoughts and ideas for an exit plan with someone you trust and stick to your decision. In the meantime, don’t communicate with the abuser or engage at all. It will only set you up for more heartache.

Help at hand

Emotional abuse can come from anyone close to you, not just a partner. In South Africa, there are organisations that can help you work through emotional abuse. FAMSA (the Family and Marriage Association of SA) is an organisation that provides counselling and education to help improve relationships and families. There are offices around the country.

Website: www.famsawc.org.za
Phone number:
011 975 7106/7

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The science behind falling in love

It’s a beautiful day, but instead of enjoying it, you’ve been cooped up at home for hours, staring at your phone.

You’ve been waiting for your date from the previous night to finally text you back. You can’t eat, sleep or stop thinking about the person.

What’s wrong with you? Well, you’re falling in love. And surprisingly, this has more to do with your brain than your heart.

From your brain to your heart

You may think that romantic feelings come from your heart, but it all begins with your brain. For example, when a stranger walks into a room, your brain begins to decide if you’re attracted to them.

Your five senses come into play, starting with your eyes. Signs of youth are often winners, along with long hair and clear skin – markers of fertility and health. Each person has their own standard of beauty though, which varies depending on culture and preferences.

Once your brain decides that your eyes like what they see, it will tell you to move closer to the stranger so that your other senses can get to work in helping you decide. And if all your senses agree, the process of falling in love begins.

What happens once you’re in love?

The lines blur

If you feel like your newfound love really gets you, there’s a reason why. When falling in love, a man’s testosterone level drops while a woman’s surges. This seems to make men and women relate better to each other and the feeling of “being alike” becomes more prominent.

You become obsessed

There’s a reason why you’ve been stalking your beloved online: your serotonin levels have dropped. Serotonin is also known as the happy hormone. Research by the University of Pisa revealed that when you fall in love, the amount of serotonin in your body plummets. It decreases so much that it can fall to the level of someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder. In other words, you become obsessed instead of happy.

You’re stressed out

While your serotonin levels are dropping, your cortisol levels are rising. Cortisol is the stress hormone that prepares your body for fight or flight. The high level of cortisol makes you feel alive and energised which can interfere with you getting enough sleep and even from eating enough. It also explains the sweaty palms and thundering heart rate whenever your love is near.

You begin to feel content

It’s weird to think that you could be stressed and content at the same time, but it’s possible. When your cortisol levels are sky-high, the part of your brain that’s supposed to respond and make you feel anxious shuts down. Researchers from the University College London found that when you’re in love, certain parts of your brain go “offline”. One of these areas is the amygdala which is the part of the brain that registers anxiety. This also means that if your beloved bothers you, you’re not likely to pay attention because your alarm system has been deactivated.

You lose your judgement

Bad news. The part of the brain that’s in charge of critical judgement takes a back seat when you’re smitten. This part is called the ventromedial prefrontal cortex and without it, it’s unlikely that you will hold your sweetheart accountable for anything negative they’ve done. What’s more, is that research by Leiden University in the Netherlands found that you lose cognitive function when you’re in love. This means that not only do you lack judgement, but you also lack the ability to make difficult decisions.

You become attached

Once you become intimate with your partner, your feelings become the real deal. When you have sex or are physically touched by your partner, hormones called oxytocin and vasopressin are released. These hormones enhance the feelings of attachment and create a deeper level of love between you and your partner. These are the same hormones that are released in a newborn baby and its mother to initiate feelings of attachment. In other words, when you’re in love, your brain tricks your mind into feeling attached to another human being.

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7 steps to a happy marriage

So, you’ve said your vows to your loved one. Now it’s time to fulfil your promises by being the best partner you can be. A happy marriage is not an overnight success; it takes time, commitment and action to keep your relationship strong.

Make your marriage work

Clinical psychologist and marriage researcher Dr John Gottman and his colleagues studied hundreds of relationships, including both newlyweds and long-term couples. These study participants were interviewed and asked questions about their relationships. During the interviews, video recordings were made of each couple and how they interacted with their partner, while at the same time, measurements of stress (heart rate, sweat rate, blood pressure and immune function) were taken. The researchers and followed up with the couples every year to see how their relationships had fared. What the researchers hoped to achieve was to identify whether there were patterns of behaviours, or interactions, that could discriminate happy from unhappy couples.

After 4 decades of research, 7 themes were identified as being the “secrets” to a happy marriage. According to one study, Dr Gottmans method of predicting relationship longevity was around 94% accurate!

1. Enhance your love maps

According to Dr Gottman, happy couples are very familiar with their partner’s world. A love map is a richly detailed plan where a part of your brain stores all the relevant information about your partner’s life. All the finer details of their daily stresses and favourite things to do should essentially become things that you know in detail.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration

Like in any relationship, respect for one another is a key element to happiness. Dr Gottman believes that fondness and admiration are two of the most important components in a satisfying and long-term relationship. If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can’t be saved. Try this activity: “I appreciate”. List three or more of your partner’s positive characteristics paired with an event or memory that illustrates each quality. Do this regularly to remind you both of your love and admiration for each other.

3. Turn towards each other

Real life romance is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued, important during the hustle and bustle of everyday life. The little things always matter; lavish and luxurious trips and gifts are not necessarily a measure of true love. Dr Gottman suggests that romance is sort of like running late but taking a few minutes to listen to your partner’s bad dream and saying that you’ll discuss it later, instead of being dismissive. This helps form a basis of connection and passion which in turn, grows the “emotional bank account” in the marriage.

4. Let your partner influence you

Happy couples can find a common ground and make decisions together. They consider each other’s perspective and feelings. Letting your partner influence you isn’t about having the upper hand, but rather honouring and respecting each other in the relationship.

5. Solve your solvable problems

There are two types of marital problems: conflicts that can be resolved and continuous problems that can’t. It’s important for couples to determine which are which. Solvable problems are situational, and there’s no underlying conflict

6. Overcome gridlock 

According to Dr Gottman, the goal with continuous problems is for couples to move from gridlock to dialogue. The usual underlying result of gridlock is unfulfilled dreams. Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. Happy couples believe in the importance of helping each other realise their dreams. This can be overcome by identifying those dreams that are causing the conflict. The next steps include talking to each other about your dreams and making peace with the problem. The aim here is to try and remove the hurt, so the problem stops being a source of pain.

7. Create shared meaning

Marriage isn’t limited to splitting household duties and chores. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together. This would be forming a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your individual roles and goals. This will help you understand what it means to be a part of the unique family that you have become.

To be a happy couple make take some intention and practice, but the pay-off is worth it!

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Are you feeling lonely at university? There is help!

It’s the time of your life! You’re all on your own with all the freedom in the world. Being at university can be one of the most exciting times of your life.

But, it can come with a downside. It may be the first time you’re away from home, and – for some – all your family and friends. But don’t worry – you’re not alone!

Homesickness

Feeling homesick at university is normal and you’re most likely to feel that way at first. This is because you’ve left behind everything that you’re familiar with; friends, family and your usual environment. The sense of loss that you feel may resolve over time as you get used to your new surroundings and make friends, but it’s also possible that to “get stuck” in this feeling. The loneliness can become quite intense at times.

This is normal. Loneliness isn’t an unnatural feeling at university. You don’t have to pretend to be ‘strong’ and hold it all together: everyone feels lonely sometimes. On top of that, you may also feel stressed, insecure and vulnerable. When you’re feeling this way, there are a few things you can try:

  • Fill your room with a few familiar things that remind you of home – just enough special items to give you a sense of comfort.
  • When you find the loneliness coming on, don’t sit in your room and let it build. Immediately find a way to distract your mind. Read a book, or go outdoors. Visit the cafeteria or library on campus. Explore your new surroundings.
  • Practise talking. Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. If small talk with strangers makes you tongue-tied, do a few practice runs before an event. In the privacy of your room, chat to yourself. Stand in front of a mirror to really get a feel for being more approachable and relaxed.
  • What’s the most obscure, crazy, random activity you’ve always wanted to try? Maybe it’s painting, or pottery, or boxing? Chances are, your university has a club or group. Beating loneliness is about taking a step out of the scared box. Remember, none of those people know you so there’s nothing to be shy about. However, if it all works out, you may just end up with some new friends!

It’s okay to be alone sometimes

Being alone is not all bad. Healthy people are capable of being alone. This is, in fact, good for your mental wellbeing. It gives you time to explore your own mind, your likes and dislikes. When you get to know yourself better, you can handle the stressors of life better, and grow in confidence.

If all else fails

See a campus counsellor. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help. It takes a lot more guts to ask for help, than to keep struggling on your own. A counsellor can help you find ways to effectively combat loneliness and stress, and truly make the best of the best years of your life!

Good to know

  • Don’t blame yourself for how you feel. It’ll only make you feel worse.
  • Tell yourself that loneliness is just a visitor who will eventually leave.
  • When you’re having a bad day, remember that there’s always tomorrow.
  • Try volunteering. Helping someone in need takes the focus off how you’re feeling.
  • Don’t bottle up your feelings, talk to someone about how you feel. You can also try writing in a journal. Often, our feelings become smaller and less scary when we see them reflected back to us on paper.

References

Is your soulmate out there? The truth about compatibility

You both enjoy long walks on the beach, chocolate ice-cream and reading. You finish each other’s sentences and it feels like you’ve known each other for a lifetime. You must be soulmates, right?

Not necessarily.

Just because you and your sweetheart are on the same wavelength, it doesn’t mean it’s forever. It seems logical to search for someone who has the same values as you, and enjoys similar activities, but research suggests that compatibility may not be the only key to finding your one true love.

A closer look

Dr Ted Hudson of the University of Texas did a study on married couples and he found that there’s no real difference in compatibility between couples who are happy or unhappy. Whether the couples were compatible or not, some still found happiness and contentment in their relationships. During interviews, these couples said that it was them who made their relationships work – and not compatibility.

The unhappy couples, on the other hand, blamed their problems on incompatibility and vouched for its importance in making a marriage work.

Arranged marriages have a reputation of being old-fashioned and outdated, but professor of Sociology at Stanford University, Michael J. Rosenfeld, along with international happy surveys, found that they aren’t any different to love relationships. Arranged marriages tend to last longer and couples are found to be much happier because they don’t usually consider the option of divorce as most Western cultures tend to.

Kim McKay, a clinical psychologist at the Meraki Assessment and Therapy Centre shares that compatibility can’t be a stable factor as to whether a relationship will work or not, because as an individual changes and develops, so too does the compatibility factor. Therefore, how “compatible” a couple is will change through different life stages. Couples in relationships that last, know that they’re not always compatible and are able to manage their differences well and able to resolve conflict.

So, if compatibility is not the way to make a relationship last, what is?

Appreciate your differences

Your ‘sameness’ can’t be the foundation of your relationship, so learn to appreciate each other’s differences. Your significant other might be patient while you’re hot-headed, or you might be spontaneous while your partner is reserved. As frustrating as these differences might be, it is useful to reframe them as complementing or balancing you out.

Show and respond to affection

The main difference between the relationship you have with your loved one and all other people, is romance. Studies have shown that relationships where partners show affection are more successful than those who are closed off. So, be intentional about those ‘thinking of you’ text messages, holding hands, kissing and looking each other in the eyes. Even when you’re not feeling very romantic, these gestures will cultivate feelings of closeness and connection, and build a stronger relationship.

Always be kind

Remember, you know your partner’s strengths and weaknesses like no-one else. If you’re angry or upset after an argument, don’t use that against them by attacking their Achilles heel. Take a deep breath and avoid a low blow which may damage your bond in future. Talk less, listen more. It will save a lot of unnecessary apologies down the line.

Give your partner what they need

Whether it’s having an official date night, switching off your phone when you’re with them, or showing physical affection, it’s important to cater to your partner’s needs. You’re do things differently, and you also experience things differently. Tune into what makes them feel loved, and make an effort to show your love to them in the way that works for them. If you like camping and they like fancy dinners, rather take them on a dinner-date. It will show them you love them, and strengthen your emotional bond.

Be honest and trustworthy

You’re at your most vulnerable in a relationship, so it’s important to be honest and trustworthy, which helps to develop respect. This can be shown by talking openly, listening to each other, compromising when there are opposing views, honouring boundaries, being kind to one another and supporting each other’s goals.

Continue dating

Just because the initial dating or honeymoon phase is over, don’t stop dating each other. Continue doing unexpected thoughtful things, chatting until late on the phone, planning romantic dates and even working on your goals together. This will help keep you invested in your relationship and create fantastic memories together.

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Empathy: medicine for the body and the soul

Do you have empathy for others? No, it’s not when you feel “sorry” for the person begging on the side of the road. That’s sympathy. Empathy, on the other hand, is defined as: “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

It goes beyond feeling bad for someone who’s poor. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in his place and experience their emotions.

Researchers distinguishes between two types of empathy:

  • Affective empathy relates to the sensations and feelings in response to another’s emotions. For example, if your husband is stressed, you pick up on this stress and feel it yourself. This usually happens instinctively – you experience the other person’s emotion with them.
  • Cognitive empathy is a more like a skill: it is the ability to accurately understand and have knowledge about someone else feels. It is the ability to notice what someone is experiencing or feeling, and having the ability to understand it.

How to develop your empathy

  • Pay attention to changes in someone’s response to things.
  • Pay attention to facial expressions or body language.
  • Watch for changes in tone or speech.
  • Put aside your views and try to understand where the person is coming from.
  • Be silent when someone speaks, pay attention to them and try to understand their point of view.

How empathy heals

It connects people

Think about it: when you empathise with someone or someone empathises with you, your sense of identity is connected. Knowing that someone can understand how you feel will help you feel less alone and more connected to someone, which is something all of us need.

It helps build trust

It’s hard to feel someone’s pain or sadness with them. When someone is willing to feel your pain with you, this shows how much they care for you, and builds trust in them.

It helps develop inner strength

Biologically, we’re wired to bond with one another. The society we live in today, though, does not always cultivate this sense of deep connection and shared experiences. Every time you connect with someone else in their emotional experience, you are building your own inner strength to experience difficult emotions.

The downside

‘Suffering with others’ bonds us, creates trust, opportunity for community, healing and change. However, if you are always opening yourself up to the experiences of others, you could become emotionally drained. Negative empathy can cause an imbalance between how much you give in relationships emotionally and how much you’re receiving. It also exhausts you as sharing someone’s negative feelings can be overwhelming.

Finding the balance

  • Label emotions
    One of the best ways to process an emotion is to label it. By labelling someone else’s emotion, you’re stating that they feel a certain way and not you. In this way, you can still feel empathy towards how they’re feeling, but you won’t immerse yourself in the way they feel as you’ve created a barrier.
  • Turn your attention to the positive
    From bawling over someone’s pain because they’ve lost a loved one, to watching a sad advert, empathy triggers are everywhere. You might not be able to block out other people’s negative emotions, but with some positivity, you can create spaces for other emotions like happiness. If you’re overwhelmed by someone else’s uncomfortable feelings, bring yourself back to positive aspects of your life; remind yourself that you’re in control; go for a walk. Physical activity is a great way to restore your body’s equilibrium and lift your spirits.

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The main ingredient of optimal health

What do you do when your kitchen table loses a leg? You fix it to get it balanced again, right? Support. It needs support to stand upright. Well, that’s exactly what you need too for a well-rounded healthy life.

A healthy life isn’t just about eating well and exercising. Mental and emotional wellbeing are of immense importance too. And a large part of this wellbeing is support – from friends and family.

The power of support

Life has many ups and downs and we all need people to lean on during tough times. Social support can even boost your physical and mental health. The Canadian Mental Association says that social support is the physical and emotional comfort given to you by your family, friends and colleagues.

The reality is that we need people on whom we can depend during challenging, frustrating times. Maintaining a healthy social support network can be difficult and you will need to consistently put in the effort. Social support can comfort you during stressful periods, and enhance your feelings of security, more so when you have people who can help you with information, advice and guidance. When you’re unknowingly drowning in stressful situations, some friends can even help you identify when you’re stressed and may even notice it before you do.

Friendships are good for your health as they prevent loneliness, offer companionship and increase your feelings of belonging and purpose. Good support helps reduce your stress, contribute to your happiness, cope with trauma and boost your self-worth. Friends also play a role in mental health like reducing the risk of depression. Studies have found that adults with strong social circles are more likely to live longer than those with fewer connections.

Find the support you need through


Friends and family: It’s not enough to just have one person who you can lean on as you may overly depend on and exhaust them. Alternate between your favourite cousin and best friend; the more supportive people you have in your life the more effective your support system will be. Different people can also make you see the same problem from different angles. Your friends and family know you best. They’re able to spot unusual or unhealthy behaviour. They should be your cheerleaders and help you gain more hope, courage and strength.

Therapy: At times you may find that your friends and family have a lot that they deal with too. During these times you may need professional support. A therapist can offer great support to help you through your issues and struggles.

Support groups: Support groups will connect you with people who may have had similar experiences and can understand what you’re going through. Through this you can learn new coping mechanisms with the support of your group members.

Religion and spirituality: Finding your Zen through spirituality or religion can bring a sense of hope and purpose to our lives. This builds strength and resilience. You can also connect with a community of others who have similar beliefs.

Hobbies: The activities you enjoy the most don’t just add fun to your life; but in the process of a good time you can connect with people. This will help you break out from your problems and give you a chance to feel good about yourself again.

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How to make every day Valentine’s Day

Flowers, gifts, and surprises are what February 14th is all about, right?

But why should all that specialness be reserved for one day only? Keep the love going all year-round. The problem with Valentine’s day, is that many couples use it to ‘make up for’ missing elements of their relationship. They try to ‘win back’ their partner on one night, after 364 days of neglect…which is why it often doesn’t end well.

In stead, Valentine’s day should be the ideal opportunity to celebrate a thriving, passionate relationship. So what can you do before and after Valentine’s day, to make it a day worth celebrating?

Ladies:

Recreate your first date: Go to your favourite restaurant or where you first met your partner. Do a fun role-play and pretend to be meeting there for the first time.

Go away: Time out is important and really underrated. Too often couples get into a work/home daily routine, and before you know it, you’re slightly bored with each other. Even just driving out of town for an evening will bring a new level of excitement and adventure to your relationship. And nothing beats exploring a quaint little place and behaving like tourists!

Have a game night: Surprise him by getting in on the gaming action. Challenge him to a game day and have a little healthy and sexy competition! A study says that video games also enhance creativity. This is a good way to release stress and bond over his interests.

Get creative: Cape Town-based clinical sexologist Dr Eve suggests creating exotic gameplay before sex. You can role-play any movie or pop theme that takes your fancy.

Send him on an Amazing Race challenge: Set up a romantic scavenger hunt either at home or around the city, based on cute things about your relationship. Write out clues to the next location, give him riddles or leave questions only he would know the answer to. Make sure you have a lovely prize awaiting him; maybe his favourite home-cooked meal.

Gents:

Good old shopping: Shop till you drop
 with her. A few outfit changes in every store at the mall with you by her side will certainly rack up the brownie points. This is the perfect time for you to know what she may need or want for the next Valentine’s Day. Nothing says I love you quite like schlepping around a mall with her for hours.

Laugh with your love: Laughter is the best medicine for love too. Laughing releases feel-good brain chemicals, lowers the blood pressure and reduces stress hormones. Now isn’t that quite the recipe for your relationship? Tell her jokes, take her to a comedy show or just play a fun prank on her.

Let her choose the movie: Sometimes that chick-flick may just be what you need to get closer to your woman and to know what gets her going. You might enjoy it too.

Take her on an adventure: Explore nature and go camping for a weekend. Try go-cart racing or take her to a trampoline park to pump up the adrenaline.

Work it: Take the ironing off her hands and you’ll be her hero for the day! Help with chores and errands. This is a guaranteed way to make your woman smile. In fact, make an occasion of it, ending it with a nice meal cooked by you and a massage.

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Love at first scent

Your nose is amazing! Research suggests that humans can fall in love simply through a keen sense of smell. Is this possible? What is the connection between the olfactory (smell) system and who we find attractive?

How does fragrance work with the skin?
Fragrances will always smell different on different people, and much of this has to do with how it reacts with your skin’s pH. Scents generally smell stronger on those with an oilier skin type, and won’t last as long on dry skin. Applying a scent-free body lotion before your fragrance will help your fragrance linger longer. Body temperature is one of the most important factors in how scent develops on the body: the warmer you are, the more powerful your scent – but it will also disappear quickly. The colder, the gentler your scent, but the longer it will last.

How do pheromones and attraction come together?
Pheromones are a chemical substance we produce and release that can trigger a reaction in those around us. Animals secrete them too and use them to communicate danger or intent to mate. With human pheromones, much has been made about spritz-on synthetic pheromones that promise to make you more attractive, but the scientific evidence is lacking.

In a 2012 study published in the journal Plos One, showed that odours alter how people perceive one another. The same study found that natural body odour plays a significant role in how newborns seek out their mother’s nipple for breastfeeding. Everyone has a different perception of what a pleasant-smelling odour is meant to smell like. This is largely based on how we have been socialised regarding scent, culture, memories and emotions associated with certain scents.

Do we all have a scent?
Some people have a stronger natural odour than others, but everyone has a scent that’s unique to them, dictated by their genes. The way we smell also depends on our biology and hormones. And, this has much to do with finding that someone special. We look (or rather smell) for signs that a person has good genes, health and fertility.

In a study conducted in Switzerland, women were given the t-shirts worn by men without deodorant. This way, their natural smell was absorbed by the shirt. The women were then asked to smell the t-shirts, and based on the scent alone, decide who they found most attractive. Interestingly, most women were more attracted to men who had an MHC profile most different to their own. Your MHC is the part of your genes that detect diseases: they are like your immune system’s eyes. If you pair up with someone who has an MHC profile most different from your own, your kids would probably be better protected against diseases.

Can personal odour change or develop?
Diet and medication can alter your natural odour. For the most part, your natural underlying smell will endure. Interestingly, certain diseases also create a unique “odour print”. You may not be able to smell it, but research has been done, and found that dogs can be trained to sniff out certain types of cancer. So, not only can your scent find you a soulmate, but in the near future, it could even save your life!

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