abuse – Hello Doctor

Where to find support if you are being abused

June 3rd, 2021 by The Hello Doctor Team

Not all abuse is physical. It may be easier to see the bruises to someone’s face, arms and legs, but the wounds dealt to someone’s heart is just as real – and can be worse.

Unfortunately, lockdown, where family members were stuck at home 24/7, has led to an escalation of physical and emotional abuse. Sadly, many abusive relationships start ‘normal’, with a lot of romance. After abuse couples might even have ‘good times’ when they both convince themselves that the violence is over. But just because there’s no storm raging ‘right now’, that doesn’t mean that it won’t come back when the doors close.

Before we can find support for abuse, we need to recognise it:

Recognising emotional abuse

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, consider asking yourself these questions. If many of these are true for you, it may be time to seek help!

You feel afraid to make decisions, bring up certain subjects, or contradict your partner because they quickly become angry.
You’re afraid to break up with them because they make or hint at threats – you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time.
You feel ‘boxed-in’, and you have to check-in or account for your whereabouts all the time
You tell yourself that if you just try a little harder, and love your partner more, that things will get better
You find yourself worrying about how to keep your partner happy, even if you aren’t comfortable trying to do it.
The abuse (verbal, emotional, or physical) is getting worse over time, and your partner threatens to physically harm you, and/or follows through on their threats.
You’re being cut off from family and friends more and more, because your partner doesn’t want you to have contact with them. They dictate when and where you can see them.
You’re denied access to your own money, or the family’s money – money is used to control and manipulate you
You partner makes decisions about where to go, or what to do, without first consulting you.
Your partner belittles or humiliates you, when the two of you are alone or even in public.
You are having sex that is forced or is rougher than you prefer.
If you raise any of your concerns, your partner acts like the abuse is nothing, minimises it, or tells you that you’re crazy.
You feel intimidated by your partner when they hit something, abuse pets, brandish weapons, or verbally threaten you.
Your partner routinely looks through your internet history, your phone’s contacts, texts, and recent call lists.

Why do abused people stay?

It can be very hard for victims of emotional, and even physical abuse, to escape. They may believe that they have nowhere else to go. They may have so little faith in their own ability that they don’t think they can ‘make it on their own’. Their partner may threaten them with extortion, exposure, further abuse or even death, if they do want to leave. For many there is a fear of being alone that is greater than being in an abusive relationship.

Long-term abuse is similar to a form of brainwashing where the abused can eventually develop a warped sense of reality. This needs support and guidance to heal and recover.

Don’t try and go it alone

If you, or someone you know, is caught in an abusive relationship, do not think you can go at it alone. We all need support – there is no shame in reaching out. If you suspect that you’re being emotionally abused, it’s time to act.

Don’t blame yourself. Emotional abuse undermines your self-esteem. It’s easy to blame yourself for what you’re going through. Understand that you aren’t the problem. Also, understand that you can’t “fix” your partner. You can’t control their actions, but you can control your response.
Get support. Being silent simply gives the abuser more power. Speak up and get help. Talk to a close friend, family member, or counsellor. Take time away from the person and spend time with those who support and love you. This will make you feel less alone and provide you with a more objective perspective from those who aren’t directly involved. Try to see it from the outside looking in. You may not be able to identify your partner’s abusive behaviour when you’ve become so used to it.
Establish boundaries. Once you have your support system and feel stronger, it’s time to face the abuser. Draw lines in the sand by telling them that they can’t insult, yell, or be rude to you any longer. Tell them what the consequences of their actions will be. And then, act. If they insult you, walk out of the room. It’s important to stick to your boundaries. If you don’t, they won’t take you seriously.
Plan your exit. If your partner isn’t prepared to make a change, it’s time to leave. Being emotionally abused will affect your mental and physical health in the long run. Discuss your thoughts and ideas for an exit plan with someone you trust and stick to your decision. In the meantime, don’t communicate with the abuser, or engage at all. It will only set you up for more heartache.

Resources:

For more information visit POWA – an organisation who supports women and children who have suffered domestic violence.
In South Africa, there are organisations that can help you work through emotional abuse. FAMSA (the Family and Marriage Association of SA) is an organisation that provides counselling and education to help improve relationships and families. There are offices around the country. Website: famsawc.org.za, Phone number: 011 975 7106/7

Today I silence my fear. Today I don’t bury my head in the sand.

December 4th, 2020 by The Hello Doctor Team

“I’m fine”. Sounds familiar? It’s a standard response, often coupled with a smile or a wave of the hand. But how are you really? One tactic of an abuser is to deflate your psychological power and well-being, and so having the courage to check in with yourself can be the first step towards regaining control.

Intimidation by a partner instils fear, dependence, compliance, and as a result, silence. It is through this silence that your freedom becomes controlled. Feelings of shame, fear of false accusations and not wanting to be isolated are common reasons that abuse victims choose not to speak out.

Challenge these fears by focussing on your well-being and speaking out to your own emotional self. Physical scars aside, your body will tell you a lot about how you are feeling but only if you stop to notice it. Become mindful of your physical and mental state – areas of tension in your neck and shoulders, discomfort in your stomach, your facial expression and clenched or tightened muscle groups. What’s going on with your pulse? Your breathing? Do you feel grounded or physically disconnected? While you may not be able to control the behaviour of others, you can control how you feel about yourself. Speak out from within and then use this as a stepping stone to start talking to others.

Talk to someone you trust, be that a counsellor, a friend, a sibling or even a zoom colleague (it is 2020!). There is no wrong way to tell someone and no wrong time. You don’t even have to say the words out loud. Writing down your experiences can be just as liberating.

Abuse is life changing but so too is speaking out. Claiming your voice back can be a difficult and scary process but your words have power and so does your story. Speaking out about your fear, your reasons for staying or the intense control of your abuser, assures others in similar situations that they are part of a bigger story. It unites victims and survivors and gives others the power to also speak up, creating a chain reaction that forces society to start listening and, more importantly, to start changing.

Today is your day. Keep your head high, be brave and check in with your well-being. By accepting that you are not “fine” and communicating this, you can greatly enhance your self-confidence, contextualise your experiences and help shape more meaningful relationships.

Help for emotional abuse

January 23rd, 2019 by The Hello Doctor Team

Your significant other has never hit or shouted at you, so why do they make you feel so bad all the time?

It may be emotional abuse.

From black-and-blue bruises to cuts and grazes, physical abuse leaves behind easy-to-spot traces. But the effects of emotional abuse can be harder to identify, and knowing when its happening to you is often trickier.

Like physical abuse, emotional abuse refers to an attempt to control another person. Although there isn’t any physical harm, emotions are the abuser’s weapon of choice.

There’s a misconception that emotional abuse only involves your partner shouting or swearing at you, but this isn’t true. Emotional abuse can also refer to a situation in which your partner’s behaviour makes you feel insignificant, like when you’re unable to express yourself or when you must change your behaviour to prevent an emotional outburst or backlash.

Types of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can take different forms:

Criticism

This includes any unpleasant comments like name-calling or behaviours that lower your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Guilt-tripping

From giving you the silent treatment to sulking all the time, guilt-tripping involves any behaviour that aims to manipulate you. This form of emotional abuse can escalate to behaviours like emotional outbursts and, sometimes, threats of suicide.

Economic abuse

This includes not involving you in the household finances, preventing you from working, withholding money, or constantly reminding you that you don’t contribute enough financially. The aim of this form of abuse is usually to strip away your independence or freedom of choice.

Intimidation

This might include behaviours like shouting, swearing or any other behaviour that makes you feel afraid.

Undermining

If you’ve ever felt like your opinion doesn’t count around your partner, then they may be undermining you. This can also involve them making you doubt your every move or thought.

Controlling

Have you avoided seeing your friends for months because your partner doesn’t want you to see them? Or do you need permission to do everyday things, like wearing certain clothes? Emotional abuse and control go together. So, if your significant other is keeping you on a leash, they’re trying to control you for their benefit.

Signs of emotional abuse

Over time, emotional abuse takes its toll on you. The abusive behaviour might make you experience:

Anxiety or fear.
Shame or guilt.
Confusion
Aggression (in defence of the abuse).
Self-doubt (you might question your memory).
Crying
Avoidance of eye contact.
Feeling powerless.
Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
Feeling helpless.
Feeling unattractive.
Feeling controlled.

What now?

If you suspect that you’re being emotionally abused, it’s time to act.

Don’t blame yourself. Emotional abuse knocks down your self-esteem. It’s easy to blame yourself for what you’re going through. Understand that you aren’t the problem. Also, understand that you can’t “fix” your partner. You can’t control their actions, but you can control your response.
Get support. Being silent simply gives the abuser more power. Speak up and get help. Talk to a close friend, family member, or counsellor. Take time away from the person and spend time with those who support and love you. This will make you feel less alone and give you an objective perspective from those who aren’t directly involved. Try to see it from the outside looking in. You may not be able to identify your partner’s abusive behaviour because you’ve become so used to it.
Establish boundaries. Once you have your support system and feel stronger, it’s time to face the abuser. Draw lines in the sand by telling them that they can’t insult, yell or be rude to you any longer. Tell them what the consequences of their actions will be. And then, act. If they insult you, walk out of the room. It’s important to stick to your boundaries. If you don’t, they won’t take you seriously.
Plan your exit. If your partner isn’t prepared to make a change, it’s time to leave. Being emotionally abused will affect your mental and physical health in the long run. Discuss your thoughts and ideas for an exit plan with someone you trust and stick to your decision. In the meantime, don’t communicate with the abuser or engage at all. It will only set you up for more heartache.

Help at hand

Emotional abuse can come from anyone close to you, not just a partner. In South Africa, there are organisations that can help you work through emotional abuse. FAMSA (the Family and Marriage Association of SA) is an organisation that provides counselling and education to help improve relationships and families. There are offices around the country.

Website: www.famsawc.org.za
Phone number: 011 975 7106/7

References:

Why almost every South African needs a counsellor

October 31st, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

Updated crime statistics for South Africa were released in October, and they paint a bleak picture. 52 murders, 146 robberies and 46 hijackings per day… and these are just the incidents that are reported. Evidence suggests that over a period of 5 years, close to 70% of all South Africans have becomes a victim of crime at least once. Besides physical injury, being exposed to any type of trauma, be that rape, a mugging, a car accident or even bullying, has implications to multiple regions in your brain. This is one of the reasons why mental health concerns, specifically Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) interferes with so many different aspects of your daily life.

How your brain responds to trauma

Reactions to trauma vary and not everyone experiences it in the same way. Generally, however, when you experience a traumatic event your brain responds in the following way:

The prefrontal cortex (the “Thinking Centre”) which is responsible for rational thought, problem-solving and awareness of self and others is UNDER activated.
The anterior cingulate cortex (the “Emotion Regulation Centre”), responsible for regulating emotions (i.e. ensuring we don’t do things we regret) is UNDER activated
The amygdala (the “Fear Centre”), responsible for filtering information into ‘threat’ or ‘non-threat’ is OVER activated, causing you to feel afraid, reactive and vigilant.

Has your brain been traumatised?

For some people, adjusting and coping to life after trauma is temporary. But for others, symptoms of their traumatic event can linger on for months, even years and have a drastic impact on quality of life. These kinds of symptoms are generally grouped into 4 types:

Intrusive memories: reliving the event, nightmares or distress to something that reminds you of what happened
Avoidance: avoiding people or places that remind you of the event, feeling emotionally numb and detached from others, having recurrent negative thoughts
Changes to physical and emotional reactions: insomnia, irritability, anger, self-destructive behaviour (drinking too much or driving too fast)

Just like any type of mood disorder, the intensity of these symptoms can range from mild to completely overwhelming. If a traumatic event is extreme, it’s likely that symptoms will become extreme; whereas a minor event, like a bumper bashing, may have symptoms that only last for a few weeks. Learning to recognise the symptoms of PTSD, which are not always obvious, is the first step in getting the help you need.

First aid for a traumatised brain

Having PTSD may also increase your risk for developing depression, substance abuse issues and eating disorders. The sooner you can address the underlying trauma, the better for your long-term health. The trauma you experienced, or witnessed, caused structural changes to your brain. Undoing these takes time and a whole lot of patience. It also needs the help of a trained professional who, depending on your situation, might suggest:

Medications to control anxiety and depression
Cognitive therapy – talking about your experience and learning to recognise fear “triggers”
Exposure therapy – being exposed to your fear in a safe and controlled environment
Group therapy – sharing your experience with others who have been through similar trauma

The goal of treatment is to help you regain sense of control over your life and thoughts. Here are a few other ways that you can start to heal:

Avoid alcohol and drugs – these are not a long term solution
Stay connected – you don’t need to worry alone!
Take care of your self – eating well, exercising and prioritising sleep goes a long way in giving you the energy you need to change your way of thinking
Break the cycle – have a list of activities to do when feelings of anxiety arrive. Go for a walk or take up a new hobby to re-focus your brain
Know all there is to know about PTSD – knowledge is power! Learning more about PTSD can help you develop your own personal coping strategies

It is normal to feel angry, sad and guilty. However, if you, or someone else you know, experiences extreme symptoms or suicidal thoughts, seek immediate medical attention. You can either contact one of our doctors, or SADAG on 0800567567.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/workings-well-being/201703/is-your-brain-trauma
https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/831940
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
http://www.csvr.org.za/publications/latest-publications/1778-an-overview-of-the-consequences-of-violence-and-trauma-in-south-africa
http://www.sadag.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1835&Itemid=174#t

5 types of emotional abuse

September 25th, 2015 by The Hello Doctor Team

You’ve heard of it, but what is emotional abuse? It’s any behaviour that is designed to control you through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Continue reading “5 types of emotional abuse”

“I was raped! What now?”

September 20th, 2015 by The Hello Doctor Team

We hope that these words never come from your mouth, and there’s a very good chance that they won’t. But with South Africa’s high sexual assault statistics, it is better for you to have all the information you need – even if it’s just to help someone else.

Fear and shock make it very difficult to think clearly, but for anyone who has been the victim of rape/sexual assault, there are some steps that are vital to get through this terrible event: Continue reading ““I was raped! What now?””

Signs of an abusive relationship

August 9th, 2015 by The Hello Doctor Team

So, you’re struggling in your relationship; it’s not perfect, but then you tell yourself, “Nobody’s relationship is flawless.” But could it not be working because you’re actually in an abusive relationship without knowing it? If you answer YES to at least 4 of the following 6 signs, you may very well be in an abusive relationship. Continue reading “Signs of an abusive relationship”

Bruised at day-care

January 16th, 2015 by The Hello Doctor Team

Joanne Hart for HelloDoctor.com

Okay, little ones are constantly bumping into things, or pulling objects over – so, it’s no great surprise to see them come home with the odd scrape or bruise. You should expect the day-care staff to give you some feedback on how a bruise happened, but it’s also possible for them to miss a small bump forms a bruise later in the day. Continue reading “Bruised at day-care”