You both enjoy long walks on the beach, chocolate ice-cream and reading. You finish each otherâs sentences and it feels like youâve known each other for a lifetime. You must be soulmates, right?
Not necessarily.
Just because you and your sweetheart are on the same wavelength, it doesnât mean itâs forever. It seems logical to search for someone who has the same values as you, and enjoys similar activities, but research suggests that compatibility may not be the only key to finding your one true love.
A closer look
Dr Ted Hudson of the University of Texas did a study on married couples and he found that thereâs no real difference in compatibility between couples who are happy or unhappy. Whether the couples were compatible or not, some still found happiness and contentment in their relationships. During interviews, these couples said that it was them who made their relationships work – and not compatibility.
The unhappy couples, on the other hand, blamed their problems on incompatibility and vouched for its importance in making a marriage work.
Arranged marriages have a reputation of being old-fashioned and outdated, but professor of Sociology at Stanford University, Michael J. Rosenfeld, along with international happy surveys, found that they arenât any different to love relationships. Arranged marriages tend to last longer and couples are found to be much happier because they donât usually consider the option of divorce as most Western cultures tend to.
Kim McKay, a clinical psychologist at the Meraki Assessment and Therapy Centre shares that compatibility canât be a stable factor as to whether a relationship will work or not, because as an individual changes and develops, so too does the compatibility factor. Therefore, how âcompatibleâ a couple is will change through different life stages. Couples in relationships that last, know that theyâre not always compatible and are able to manage their differences well and able to resolve conflict.
So, if compatibility is not the way to make a relationship last, what is?
Appreciate your differences
Your âsamenessâ canât be the foundation of your relationship, so learn to appreciate each otherâs differences. Your significant other might be patient while youâre hot-headed, or you might be spontaneous while your partner is reserved. As frustrating as these differences might be, it is useful to reframe them as complementing or balancing you out.
Show and respond to affection
The main difference between the relationship you have with your loved one and all other people, is romance. Studies have shown that relationships where partners show affection are more successful than those who are closed off. So, be intentional about those âthinking of youâ text messages, holding hands, kissing and looking each other in the eyes. Even when youâre not feeling very romantic, these gestures will cultivate feelings of closeness and connection, and build a stronger relationship.
Always be kind
Remember, you know your partner’s strengths and weaknesses like no-one else. If youâre angry or upset after an argument, donât use that against them by attacking their Achilles heel. Take a deep breath and avoid a low blow which may damage your bond in future. Talk less, listen more. It will save a lot of unnecessary apologies down the line.
Give your partner what they need
Whether itâs having an official date night, switching off your phone when youâre with them, or showing physical affection, itâs important to cater to your partner’s needs. Youâre do things differently, and you also experience things differently. Tune into what makes them feel loved, and make an effort to show your love to them in the way that works for them. If you like camping and they like fancy dinners, rather take them on a dinner-date. It will show them you love them, and strengthen your emotional bond.
Be honest and trustworthy
Youâre at your most vulnerable in a relationship, so itâs important to be honest and trustworthy, which helps to develop respect. This can be shown by talking openly, listening to each other, compromising when there are opposing views, honouring boundaries, being kind to one another and supporting each otherâs goals.
Continue dating
Just because the initial dating or honeymoon phase is over, donât stop dating each other. Continue doing unexpected thoughtful things, chatting until late on the phone, planning romantic dates and even working on your goals together. This will help keep you invested in your relationship and create fantastic memories together.
References:
- Kim McKay, Clinical psychologist at the Meraki Assessment and Therapy centre
- https://www.gottman.com/blog/psychology-finally-reveals-the-answer-to-finding-your-soulmate/
- http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/respect-in-healthy-relationships/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intentional-insights/201701/12-tips-happy-long-lasting-relationships
- https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-27049/10-essential-secrets-to-making-a-relationship-work.html
- https://www.thesimplyluxuriouslife.com/the-truth-about-compatibilitys-importance-in-a-relationship-hint-not-much/