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Tag: relationship

Make friends for life, not likes

July 10th, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

University can be a challenging time. Your high school chapter has ended, and you’re out in the big bad world. You have to learn to be independent, navigate new rules, and fend for yourself.

Overwhelming much? A friend who’s in the same boat as you will help in making your experience smoother, more fun, and you may just end up with a friend for life.

Good friends, good life
A bustling social life is as healthy for you as avoiding cigarettes. Yes really, says a study in the journal, PloS Medicine.

Being a first year in university comes with immense pressure. You will be faced with awesome freedom and have to navigate through it while trying to make the right choices. You will have to balance your academics, social and personal life, all while remembering why you enrolled for a degree in the first place! Too much of anything will cause an imbalance for the overall experience of university. Having to overcome a language barrier may also be a part of the pressure you face.

Building friendships on campus can enhance your university experience, and keep you happy and healthy. Strong social support can help you cope and overcome stress.

According to Tasha R. Howe at Humboldt State University, people with social support have fewer cardiovascular and immune problems. Good friends can boost your self-esteem and keep you motivated in times of doubt. Social connections can make you feel more relaxed and at peace.

With an increased morbidity and mortality rate in medical illness due to social isolation and low levels of support, a good support structure of friends in university may help reduce anxiety, stress and depression.

Reach out
It is daunting to make friends, especially if you’re an introvert by nature, come from a small family, or tend to isolate yourself, but just think of the long-term benefits!

  • Don’t let shyness hold you back. Never underestimate the power of a smile. Smiling is an open invitation to start a conversation. Remember, the person next to you is probably just as shy. Be open to conversations and engage. Start by asking someone a casual question, and then take it from there.
  • It’s okay to be vulnerable. University is a time of learning and new experiences for everyone. When you’re stressed about an assignment or task, chances are, others are too. Reach out to peers to band together to study. It’s a surefire way of gaining ground with new acquaintances.
  • You’re not going to meet your new BFF in your dorm room. Get up, get out. Make use of all the social activities on campus. Now more than ever, you have the opportunity to meet people who enjoy the same things you do and have the same hobbies, goals and ambitions.
  • Think ahead. A study published this year in Psychology and Aging Journal found that people in their 50s (now) linked their core friendships back to when they were in their early 20s and 30s. It said that that those students who maintained their friendships over 30 years or more had better “psychological outcomes,” than their counterparts. In other words, they were less depressed, lonely and generally more positive well into their 50s.

Surely that’s worth making a friend or two?

References

Feeling guilty about how you are parenting? Here’s what to do.

June 29th, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

Don’t beat yourself up
No matter how much you love your kids, being a parent can make you feel bad. When it comes to parenting, guilt is inevitable, and all parents feel it at some point!

Our lifestyles today are so hectic that we are all spread thin. Work, carting children around, cooking, relationships, house work; there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes we simply can’t fit everything in. Enter: feelings of guilt. You feel guilty that you can’t help your kids out with their homework, that you can’t be at a sports match or drama rehearsal. You feel guilty about not cooking them the most organic, free-range, low sugar meals. (Heck, sometimes you just stop at McD’s becuase you’re too spent to think about cooking!) You feel guilty for sometimes just wanting to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. That’s not to mention the times you snapped at them, when they struggle at school, or when they have trouble with their friends: somehow, you feel it’s your fault.

Well, take a deep breath: it’s not your fault! And just because you feel that way, does not make it true.

Guilt can be both helpful and harmful
Guilt is an emotion felt when your actions or thoughts don’t match up to the standards you set for yourself. And parents tend to set impossibly high standards for themselves. It is believed that the reason we feel guilt is to help us regulate our interactions with others. But guilt is not always useful:

Helpful guilt
Sure, guilt helps you be more attentive to someone else’s feelings. When you feel guilt, the area of the brain involved with taking another person’s perspective and being empathic is activated. In this case, guilt will motivate you to make amends, or identify ways in which you could try harder, or do things differently.

Harmful guilt
Not everyone who feels guilt will act to change things, or reduce their feelings of guilt. When guilt kicks in, these people will withdraw from the situation, avoid taking any action and feel weighed down.

Don’t feel guilty about feeling guilty
You aren’t alone. As parents, we all feel guilty at some point: it motivates us to do better, try different things and give our children the the best possible opportunities in life. But there are helpful ways to work with guilt, so it doesn’t become harmful:

  1. Remember you are “normal” (in the parenting context at least!). Every parent will feel bad at some point. Sometimes just reminding yourself of that can banish those feelings.
  2. Make sure you get enough “me” time. Having time to reset and recharge gives you the extra hit of energy you will need to be the best parent you can.
  3. Take off the superhero cape. Be realistic about the expectations you have of both yourself and your children. Cooking 3 course free-range, organic, sugar free meals that everyone in your family will eat (and enjoy) may not be a realistic goal.
  4. Kids will be kids. Dealing with a toddler who is having a meltdown in the middle of a shopping center is never going to be easy, regardless of your parenting style! Some problems can be solved with a hug, some simply can’t.
  5. Channel your feelings of guilt into action. Try to see situations from another perspective. If something is making you feel guilty, what actions can you take to make things different? If you’ve done everything you could, try to let it go. This way, your kids learn one of life’s most valuable lessons from you: how to let go of things that are out of your control.
  6. Find a reliable source of advice, and stick with it. Google is awesome for helping you with all those science projects, but can be confusing when it comes to figuring out how to parent. Do some research and find a site with information and advice you can relate to. Trust your own way: there is no one in the world who can parent like you do!
  7. Keep good friends close. Create a network of friends with whom you feel comfortable sharing all your ups and downs. It’s almost inevitable they have (or still are!) feeling the same way too. Share ideas and support!
  8. Start again at number 1, and repeat. :-)

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
– Reinhold Niebuhr

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201109/are-you-guilty-parent
https://www.familyeducation.com/life/parental-guilt/getting-rid-parental-guilt
http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01933.x

Love at first scent

June 23rd, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

Your nose is amazing! Research suggests that humans can fall in love simply through a keen sense of smell. Is this possible? What is the connection between the olfactory (smell) system and who we find attractive?

How does fragrance work with the skin?
Fragrances will always smell different on different people, and much of this has to do with how it reacts with your skin’s pH. Scents generally smell stronger on those with an oilier skin type, and won’t last as long on dry skin. Applying a scent-free body lotion before your fragrance will help your fragrance linger longer. Body temperature is one of the most important factors in how scent develops on the body: the warmer you are, the more powerful your scent – but it will also disappear quickly. The colder, the gentler your scent, but the longer it will last.

How do pheromones and attraction come together?
Pheromones are a chemical substance we produce and release that can trigger a reaction in those around us. Animals secrete them too and use them to communicate danger or intent to mate. With human pheromones, much has been made about spritz-on synthetic pheromones that promise to make you more attractive, but the scientific evidence is lacking.

In a 2012 study published in the journal Plos One, showed that odours alter how people perceive one another. The same study found that natural body odour plays a significant role in how newborns seek out their mother’s nipple for breastfeeding. Everyone has a different perception of what a pleasant-smelling odour is meant to smell like. This is largely based on how we have been socialised regarding scent, culture, memories and emotions associated with certain scents.

Do we all have a scent?
Some people have a stronger natural odour than others, but everyone has a scent that’s unique to them, dictated by their genes. The way we smell also depends on our biology and hormones. And, this has much to do with finding that someone special. We look (or rather smell) for signs that a person has good genes, health and fertility.

In a study conducted in Switzerland, women were given the t-shirts worn by men without deodorant. This way, their natural smell was absorbed by the shirt. The women were then asked to smell the t-shirts, and based on the scent alone, decide who they found most attractive. Interestingly, most women were more attracted to men who had an MHC profile most different to their own. Your MHC is the part of your genes that detect diseases: they are like your immune system’s eyes. If you pair up with someone who has an MHC profile most different from your own, your kids would probably be better protected against diseases.

Can personal odour change or develop?
Diet and medication can alter your natural odour. For the most part, your natural underlying smell will endure. Interestingly, certain diseases also create a unique “odour print”. You may not be able to smell it, but research has been done, and found that dogs can be trained to sniff out certain types of cancer. So, not only can your scent find you a soulmate, but in the near future, it could even save your life!

References:

How to get over a relationship

April 7th, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

Closure: an act or process of concluding something.

In your early, exhilarating days of being together you laughed, smiled, talked and dreamed of being together forever. Now that it’s over, you’re left with painful memories and the loss of those dreams.

This is what the end of a relationship is: a loss. And it needs to be mourned as such. Relationship closure is a big buzzword but it actually has merit.

In a breakup, closure is when you and your ex accept that your relationship is over and you both feel a sense of resolution.

The reality is…
What worked for your friend might not necessarily work for you, mostly because you had different situations. Similarly, what worked for you in past relationships might not be as helpful now, so you need to find an alternative method to deal with your present state. Every relationship is different and the time it takes for you to get closure depends a lot on how the relationship ended and if you’re still talking to your ex. You may need more or less time to heal.

Friends?
In this scenario, closure can come as a conversation. However, consider taking some time after the breakup before having this type of conversation. Essentially, closure comes from within, so don’t rush the process. The main goal of speaking with your ex shouldn’t be getting back together, and don’t expect to it automatically cure the post-breakup pain. The main point of the conversation is to gain perspective on your past relationship and some insight for your future one – and the most important part of it all… closure.

Find your inner peace
When you feel ready to have that talk, contact your ex and decide on a meeting place. Your venue should be private enough that you can have an open conversation, yet still public enough that you’re not put in an uncomfortable position. For example, a coffee shop might be a good setting to speak about your relationship, but don’t choose a popular place as you might bump into someone you know. You really don’t want to be distracted in the nerve-wrecking situation at hand.

Face the music
You may want to ask why things ended the way they did. At this point, the person should have no reason to lie to you; so try to accept their truth. The fact is (and this is important): if your ex wanted to get back with you, he or she would make an effort. Don’t question how some things happen – this is a surefire way to drive yourself crazy. Be at peace with an end of a chapter, as sour and painful it may be. As the old sayings go: “When one door closes; another opens” and “There’s always light at the end of the tunnel”.

Once you feel like you’ve gained some perspective, end the conversation amicably, and go your separate ways. Keep it short, simple and above all, neutral.

References

 

Do you need couple’s therapy?

March 11th, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

If the Olympics had an arguing competition, you and your partner could win a medal, and it’s not getting any better. You sleep in the same bed every night but have forgotten what intimacy feels like. What now?

Couple’s therapy might sound drastic, but it can be extremely useful. Think of it this way: what do you do when your car breaks down? Chances are you probably can’t fix it yourself, so you have to send it in for repairs. Once it comes back from the workshop, you’re told how to handle the car so it won’t get damaged again. Couple’s therapy is a similar concept. It’s used to increase the understanding of yourself, your partner and the patterns of your interaction (like arguments).

The problems within your relationship are then explored with a third party and you are taught how to move away from negative feelings, thoughts and actions. You are shown how to change them into positive ones to enhance your relationship.

One of the most common mistakes that people make before starting couple’s therapy is going in with the mindset that their partner needs to change. Just as it takes two people for a relationship to work, it takes two people who are willing to change their behaviour and actions ­- to improve their relationship.

The role of the therapist
To mediate: A relationship counsellor’s job isn’t to diagnose you or your partner. The counsellor would act as a go-between and may point out underlying issues between you two.

Provide neutral ground: When you’re in your apartment arguing, it’s almost as if you’re on a battleground and you don’t feel completely safe. A relationship counsellor provides level (and neutral) ground for you and your partner to argue or talk through your problems without either one feeling as if you’re being bullied by the other.

Listen and suggest: You might think that it’s the counsellor’s job to tell you what needs to change and how to do it, but it’s not. She’s there to hear you both out (fairly), make suggestions and give advice.

You should consider couple’s therapy if:

  1. You keep having the same arguments. It usually starts out as something small and then it blows up into the blame game.
  2. You’re both aware that you have problems, but no-one cares enough to say or do anything.
  3. You’ve stopped having sex and there’s no physical affection between you. A lack of emotional intimacy often leads to lack of physical intimacy.
  4. There’s no kindness between you anymore. Nearly all your exchanges are used to be nasty towards each other.
  5. You and your partner are leading different lives.
  6. You can’t understand each other’s viewpoints about things like fidelity or money.

To get the best from therapy:

  • Work together as a team.
  • Be motivated to change, even though it’s difficult.
  • Speak about what’s on your heart and mind.
  • Try to be non-judgmental towards each other.

 

References

 

 

How to win at parenting

February 4th, 2017 by The Hello Doctor Team

Every parent wants a good relationship with their kids, but it can be hard work, and sometimes – it can feel like an uphill battle. Even though it’s hard work, the good news is that a closer connection with your child doesn’t need to cost you a cent. Bridge the gap and make your relationship stronger than ever with these tips.

Make time

There are plenty of hours in a week. Use at least one or two of them to nurture your relationship with your child. Set a reminder on your calendar just like you would any other appointment, and schedule alone time to catch up with him. Plan fun activities for the two of you. Spending quality time together encourages communication, builds trust, and brings you closer to each other. The more you tend to the relationship, the more it will grow. It may not always be easy to prioritise time for your child, but if you really want a good relationship with him, you will make it happen.

Be his biggest fan

Let your child know that you’re proud of him. Take an avid interest in his life and encourage him to do more of what makes him happy. Knowing that you have his best interests at heart and actively showing it will make him feel valued and loved, and boost his confidence. It will also make it much easier for him to open up to you about anything, which could strengthen your relationship.

Avoid over-parenting

While your intentions are good, a hovering parenting style may be wrecking your relationship with your child. Stepping in to meet your child’s every need is failing him. It sends the message that you don’t believe in his capabilities. This may create frustration and breakdown of trust, which could affect the relationship as a whole. Stop being a helicopter parent. Avoid intruding on the challenges he may face, and allow him to overcome them on his own. Let him embrace both success and failure. This will help him grow as an individual and improve your relationship.

Talk more

Open communication is the key in any relationship, including the one with your child. It’s important in building trust, which is the foundation of a good relationship. Work on the trust factor and strengthen the bond with your child by communicating with him on a regular basis. Take the time to talk and actively listen to your child. Focus on what he’s saying and discuss any problems he may be having. Make it known that he can talk to you about anything and everything. This will make him feel appreciated and understood.

Just be there

Be your child’s support. Show him that you’ll be there whenever he needs a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. This does not mean you need to drop everything for him. With the pressures of daily life, this would not be realistic. Just stay available and let him know that you will be his go-to person when times get tough. Being there as much as possible and knowing he has you to rely on can reinforce the relationship.

References

The anatomy of heartbreak

September 15th, 2016 by The Hello Doctor Team

We all thought this couple would never break up. Angelina Jolie has reportedly filed for divorce, and soon, there will be no more Brangelina.

A heartbreak can feel devastating, but how does it affect your body?  This could be happening to Brad right now:

His brain cannot distinguish between emotional and physical hurt
If you’ve ever been dumped, you’ll remember that terrible feeling – as if you’d been punched in the stomach! Well, even though no-one’s laid a finger on you, your brain is telling your body that the pain is real! In an interview with Women’s Health Magazine, Naomi Eisenbuerger, Ph.D., said that the area of your brain that lights up when you’re hurt physically is the same area that lights up when you suffer “social rejection.” So, yes, it really does hurt.

His body is flooding with stress hormones
You know that incredible feeling of being in love? You can thank neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin for that. When love ends suddenly, all those wonderful chemicals get washed out of your system by a flood of stress hormones: cortisol and epinephrine, and too much of them does not make you feel good at all. One way to reverse the trend is exercise – a good run or circuit at the gym will bring back the dopamine and soothe the pain.

It could affect his appetite
People cope with sadness in different ways: some binge-eat and others stop eating altogether. Either way is not great for your health. One of the key things to support someone who is going through a break-up, is to stick with an eating routine – even if they don’t feel like it, feeding your body the right foods at the right times consistently, helps it process the emotional trauma.
So, yes – it hurts and hurts. And, some die-hard fans of Brangelina could feel similar symptoms, since the emotional impact can have similar physical symptoms in them.

But, long after the twitter-feeds and headlines die off,  both of them can still find healing on physical, and emotional levels. It just takes a dedication to self-care, enough emotional support and time.

Are you in an unhealthy relationship with food?

February 16th, 2016 by The Hello Doctor Team

We all want a relationship in one form or the other. Boyfriends, girlfriends and partners may leave, but food remains – it’s always there for you. It doesn’t judge you at all, it accepts you for who you are – the perfect relationship, right?

Well, that depends on the type of food that you eat. Some are just not suited to you, but we know that they can be so hard to resist.

It’s important to gauge what your FEELINGS towards food are. Answer these questions, truthfully:

  • Do you always depend on it?
  • Do you keep on going back to it even though you’ve said you wouldn’t?
  • Are you hiding and lying about what and how much you eat?
  • Does it take over every aspect of your life?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy relationship with food. Keep reading to find out why and how you can reconnect in a healthy way.

Your relationship status check

Firstly, what should you look for in a food soul mate?

Admirable qualities include:

  • Lean
  • Clean cut
  • Variety of tastes
  • Healthy

Prime examples of this: lean meats (beef, ostrich); poultry (chicken, turkey); eggs; fish and plenty of veggies. All of these foods provide you with the best nutrients.

Secondly, who should you be dumping?

Watch out for:

  • Oily
  • Stodgy
  • Sugary charm
  • Not adding any significant value to your diet

Prime examples include: junk food – this type of food is full of fat, refined carbohydrates and salt. It loves to play with your mind, making you think you’re full, but truthfully, it’s low on nutrition and out to make you fat.

So what can you do?

Make the choice to change: You are not weak! Never think that your unhealthy relationship with food cannot be changed. It can, but you need to make that choice.

Make a plan and set a goal. Your body has been through a lot. It’s time to get rid of any excess baggage and the best way to start is to change your environment: empty your junk food drawer! Your body needs TLC – Tactical Lifestyle Change.

You’ve seen what your perfect nutritional relationship looks like – now add in some daily exercise, and you have the total package! Good luck, and by the way, the two of you make a perfect couple!

You will find great exercise workouts and tips on our blog!

Sources

http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20803463,00.html , http://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/my-relationship-food-breaking-up-hard-do-but-worth-it?page=2 , http://authoritynutrition.com/8-symptoms-of-food-addiction/

Signs of an abusive relationship

August 9th, 2015 by The Hello Doctor Team

So, you’re struggling in your relationship; it’s not perfect, but then you tell yourself, “Nobody’s relationship is flawless.” But could it not be working because you’re actually in an abusive relationship without knowing it? If you answer YES to at least 4 of the following 6 signs, you may very well be in an abusive relationship. Continue reading “Signs of an abusive relationship”

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