Gender-Based Violence – Hello Doctor

An attack on the vulnerable is an attack on the social heart of us all

October 27th, 2021 by The Hello Doctor Team

When violence is perpetrated against our mothers, sisters, wives and children, the whole of society suffers.

Act to seek out such suffering – it may be hiding in that very women or child in front of you. Fear and pain are hidden within victims of violence. They often tend to remain silent about their shame, pain and fear. They are likely to be all around; in a meeting, queueing in the canteen, or rubbing shoulders in a taxi. So reach out with kindness and love – you may prevent a trauma, even save a life, and help restore hope and belief in life.

These vulnerable people can be anywhere; they are rich and poor, educated and uneducated, single or married. They will be found in urban and suburban areas in every province – so, sadly this is almost an epidemic in our beloved country. And while the abuse is aimed mainly at woman and children who can’t defend themselves, there are also men in our society who suffer silence.

Help to shift the ‘guys-with-guys’ attitude

Over time violence against women and children has become so common-place that we often fail to notice how prevalent it is in everyday behaviour. Women have become objectified, often seen as property, rather than living, warm human beings. It is now time to really become aware of how you too, maybe unconsciously, might be perpetuating the denigration of women. Sadly, whilst it seems to be becoming the norm, we know with certainty that such a norm is simply wrong. It must stop.

So, if you do want to become part of those contributing to change this state of affairs, start by becoming aware of your own unconscious ‘boy’ habits. Think of any young women you love dearly – like a daughter, sister or niece. Think of any mature women you hold with love and respect – like your mother, aunt, cousin, manager, colleague or public figure. Now, every time you swear, laugh at a sexist joke, or participate in some lewd comment about a woman, imagine that the target is one of the women you love. Then it becomes less easy to laugh.

Becoming a real man is about owning up to how you might also have contributed to demeaning women, and then standing up to encourage others to follow your more respectful example. Discourage your male friends doing this, show them a new way. Even small gestures can have a big impact on some woman or child’s future.

Safety tips for the holiday season

Holiday season is just around the corner; so, celebrate safely by observing these preventative tips:

Ensure everyone has a safe ride home from a party. Leave no one behind.
Take no risks – have an agreement before the party about what you and your girlfriends will and won’t do, and then hold each other to this. Do not let alcohol and fun inhibit your judgement. Guy friends can be included – care for each other.
Be brave – resist the pressure to remain silent of being called a killjoy, party pooper, buzz kill or downer. Step up to support someone who is indeed trying to be brave.
Say no to those apparently innocent games that you know are not really so innocent.
When your gut says; ‘this is not ok’ – respond to that feeling and get out – or call out for help.

Safety tips to help you and your children

It may be that there is little you can do to change your situation right now; but fortunately, there are a number of ways to try and shield yourself from the violence. Every step you take can help you reduce its devastating impact and build your strength. Read this outstanding blog. It is brimming with safety ideas to help you and your children right now; – and with ways to help others by telling your story.

https://16days.thepixelproject.net/16-safety-ideas-and-tips-for-women-facing-domestic-violence-over-the-holiday-season/

Building your strength with self-care

Sometimes, when you feel low, the thought of self-care just seems like yet another burden to carry. So, without putting pressure on yourself, quietly follow this link and check whether the excellent insights offered might ‘talk to you’. If so, follow your response.

https://upliftconnect.com/daily-self-care-ritual/

Reference:

Conflict and Health – volume 14, Article number: 57 (2020)

‘Evaluating the reliability and validity of secondary reporting to measure gender-based violence’ Published 6 August, 2020.

Today I grab my financial destiny. Today I find strength in vulnerability.

December 7th, 2020 by The Hello Doctor Team

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brené Brown

Each and every one of us has vulnerabilities – it is what makes us human. It is not brave to hide our vulnerabilities, but to accept them. Despite our limitations, we can press on, we can survive and we can overcome. It may take courage to accept that we are vulnerable, but unless we do, we remain stuck in destructive situations, and abusive relationships.

Abusive partners use this vulnerability to exploit. They can try and control their partners to believe that they have no strength: that they are trapped; that they need the abusive partner to provide for them, or they will end up on the street.

But that is a lie.

The true chains in an abusive relationship is not money. It is not even the physical strength of the abuser. It is fear.

You can challenge your fears and start breaking free from the chains imposed by your partner, by first admitting that you are vulnerable. Speak out, ask for help, raise your voice. If you feel financially stuck, reach out to the support offered by the company, reach out to friends, family or a trusted colleague. If you can’t yet pay for your own rent, buy your own food or afford to live by yourself, it’s okay! It is not your fault; you can create a path towards financial freedom. But you cannot do it alone.

Once you take the courageous step of admitting that you need help, you can start planning your way towards financial independence. When you think about money, it may feel like you are staring up a high mountain, where you cannot see the top. Just breathe! Turn your gaze down to the next step, and the next step. A mountain is scaled one foot at a time. An elephant can be eaten one bite at a time.

Start small, with just one step. Explore the support being offered by the company, find out how to ask for the help being offered and go ahead and ask. Don’t let the fear get the better of you. Breathe deeply, summon all the courage and call. People are waiting to hear from you. Actually, they really want to hear from you.

All it takes is the willingness to be vulnerable, the courage to ask for help, the patience to take it one-day-at-a-time and soon you can stand on your own two feet: financially free, and more empowered than you could ever imagine!

Today I silence my fear. Today I don’t bury my head in the sand.

December 4th, 2020 by The Hello Doctor Team

“I’m fine”. Sounds familiar? It’s a standard response, often coupled with a smile or a wave of the hand. But how are you really? One tactic of an abuser is to deflate your psychological power and well-being, and so having the courage to check in with yourself can be the first step towards regaining control.

Intimidation by a partner instils fear, dependence, compliance, and as a result, silence. It is through this silence that your freedom becomes controlled. Feelings of shame, fear of false accusations and not wanting to be isolated are common reasons that abuse victims choose not to speak out.

Challenge these fears by focussing on your well-being and speaking out to your own emotional self. Physical scars aside, your body will tell you a lot about how you are feeling but only if you stop to notice it. Become mindful of your physical and mental state – areas of tension in your neck and shoulders, discomfort in your stomach, your facial expression and clenched or tightened muscle groups. What’s going on with your pulse? Your breathing? Do you feel grounded or physically disconnected? While you may not be able to control the behaviour of others, you can control how you feel about yourself. Speak out from within and then use this as a stepping stone to start talking to others.

Talk to someone you trust, be that a counsellor, a friend, a sibling or even a zoom colleague (it is 2020!). There is no wrong way to tell someone and no wrong time. You don’t even have to say the words out loud. Writing down your experiences can be just as liberating.

Abuse is life changing but so too is speaking out. Claiming your voice back can be a difficult and scary process but your words have power and so does your story. Speaking out about your fear, your reasons for staying or the intense control of your abuser, assures others in similar situations that they are part of a bigger story. It unites victims and survivors and gives others the power to also speak up, creating a chain reaction that forces society to start listening and, more importantly, to start changing.

Today is your day. Keep your head high, be brave and check in with your well-being. By accepting that you are not “fine” and communicating this, you can greatly enhance your self-confidence, contextualise your experiences and help shape more meaningful relationships.

Today I reach out. And make financial independence my goal.

November 25th, 2020 by The Hello Doctor Team

Gender-based violence is violence perpetrated on an individual based on his or her sexual or gender identity. This includes physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial and psychological abuse. It also includes economic coercion. We want to address this specifically because it keeps so many women trapped.

It is simply wrong if your husband, partner, uncle, brother or anyone else is taking control of your money. Do you have to hand over your salary? Account for every cent you spend? Or maybe you are not allowed to have your own credit card. Taking your money is a way of controlling you, keeping you in chains so that you are unable to make your own financial choices and decisions, or even escape your circumstances. This control can also be expressed by undermining your job or your educational goals. Many people with this experience can feel so bad about it that they do not even acknowledge such abuse. This is a prevalent aspect of gender-based violence.

Maybe this is not happening to you but it could be happening to a friend or colleague and possibly, with kindness and care, you could still reach out to help them. There are a few typical symptoms of such economic abuse to look out for in the workplace. Like when a colleague may have little or no money available, does not appear to have a credit card, seems unable to join in with social activities or simply contribute to gifts or donations.

But there is a way to break those financial shackles and stop the abuse. There is a way to take back control of your finances – an opportunity for you to build and maintain economic self-sufficiency.

Of course, dealing with an abusive relationship is inevitably emotionally taxing. But sitting down quietly to carefully plan your financial future might be a bit easier. You could start by writing down all the things that come to mind when you think of your financial worries. Get it all out there on a piece of paper. Next is to follow all the support and new offerings that the company is putting in place to support and assist you. Evaluate which offerings could really be helpful for you. Thereafter, and this is where you’ll need to summon up some courage, decide on the first step you are going to take. Who are you going to contact? When will you do this? You will have taken the first step to reaching out on your journey to financial independence.

We are here to guide you through this process; please reach out and get all the support you need. Always remember that you are a valuable person and your life is important – the abuse you experience is wrong and it must stop.