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An attack on the vulnerable is an attack on the social heart of us all

When violence is perpetrated against our mothers, sisters, wives and children, the whole of society suffers.

Act to seek out such suffering – it may be hiding in that very women or child in front of you. Fear and pain are hidden within victims of violence. They often tend to remain silent about their shame, pain and fear. They are likely to be all around; in a meeting, queueing in the canteen, or rubbing shoulders in a taxi. So reach out with kindness and love – you may prevent a trauma, even save a life, and help restore hope and belief in life.

These vulnerable people can be anywhere; they are rich and poor, educated and uneducated, single or married. They will be found in urban and suburban areas in every province – so, sadly this is almost an epidemic in our beloved country. And while the abuse is aimed mainly at woman and children who can’t defend themselves, there are also men in our society who suffer silence. 

Help to shift the ‘guys-with-guys’ attitude

Over time violence against women and children has become so common-place that we often fail to notice how prevalent it is in everyday behaviour. Women have become objectified, often seen as property, rather than living, warm human beings. It is now time to really become aware of how you too, maybe unconsciously, might be perpetuating the denigration of women. Sadly, whilst it seems to be becoming the norm, we know with certainty that such a norm is simply wrong. It must stop.

So, if you do want to become part of those contributing to change this state of affairs, start by becoming aware of your own unconscious ‘boy’ habits. Think of any young women you love dearly – like a daughter, sister or niece. Think of any mature women you hold with love and respect – like your mother, aunt, cousin, manager, colleague or public figure. Now, every time you swear, laugh at a sexist joke, or participate in some lewd comment about a woman, imagine that the target is one of the women you love. Then it becomes less easy to laugh.

Becoming a real man is about owning up to how you might also have contributed to demeaning women, and then standing up to encourage others to follow your more respectful example. Discourage your male friends doing this, show them a new way. Even small gestures can have a big impact on some woman or child’s future.

Safety tips for the holiday season

Holiday season is just around the corner; so, celebrate safely by observing these preventative tips:

  • Ensure everyone has a safe ride home from a party. Leave no one behind.
  • Take no risks – have an agreement before the party about what you and your girlfriends will and won’t do, and then hold each other to this. Do not let alcohol and fun inhibit your judgement. Guy friends can be included – care for each other.
  • Be brave – resist the pressure to remain silent of being called a killjoy, party pooper, buzz kill or downer. Step up to support someone who is indeed trying to be brave.
  • Say no to those apparently innocent games that you know are not really so innocent.
  • When your gut says; ‘this is not ok’ – respond to that feeling and get out – or call out for help.

Safety tips to help you and your children

It may be that there is little you can do to change your situation right now; but fortunately, there are a number of ways to try and shield yourself from the violence. Every step you take can help you reduce its devastating impact and build your strength. Read this outstanding blog. It is brimming with safety ideas to help you and your children right now; – and with ways to help others by telling your story.

https://16days.thepixelproject.net/16-safety-ideas-and-tips-for-women-facing-domestic-violence-over-the-holiday-season/

Building your strength with self-care

Sometimes, when you feel low, the thought of self-care just seems like yet another burden to carry. So, without putting pressure on yourself, quietly follow this link and check whether the excellent insights offered might ‘talk to you’.  If so, follow your response.

https://upliftconnect.com/daily-self-care-ritual/

Reference:

Conflict and Health – volume 14, Article number: 57 (2020)

‘Evaluating the reliability and validity of secondary reporting to measure gender-based violence’   Published 6 August, 2020.

Are your testes your besties? Here’s why they should be

At his peak, Lance Armstrong was considered one of the greatest athletes of his time. He was fit, healthy, ate well, slept well, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, and obviously spent a lot of time in nature. Yet in 1996 he was diagnosed with advanced testicular cancer. Armstrong may have fallen from grace following his doping confession, but his cancer diagnosis put the spotlight firmly on the idea that cancer really can happen to anyone.

Testicular cancer is the most common type of cancer to affect young men between the ages of 15 to 39. In South Africa the lifetime risk of a diagnosis is low, and with only about 10% of these cases being linked to a genetic risk or family history of the disease. However this still means that as long as you have testes, you could be at risk.

While you may be advised to have a prostate check-up from age 40, or your colon checked from age 50, there is no such routine screening test for testicular cancer. The only way testicular cancer can be detected early is through regular testicular self-examinations.

Statistics suggest that the rate of men diagnosed with testicular cancer has doubled in the last 50 years. One of the main reasons for this is that men simply aren’t checking themselves often enough. One study found that 86% of men had not done a testes check in the past year, with only 3% doing them monthly.

How to become besties with your testes

  1. Regardless of your age, start checking your testicles once a month. The more familiar you become with the size, shape and feel of your testicles, the easier it will be for you to identify if something changes. Do it after a warm shower when the scrotum is most relaxed
  2. What’s normal, what’s not?
    • Most men’s testicles are about the same size, but it’s common for one to be slightly bigger than the other. It’s also common for one testicle to hang lower than the other.
    • The testicles should feel smooth, without any lumps or bumps, and firm but not hard. You may feel a soft tube at the back of each testicle, which is called the epididymis.
  3. Examine one testicle at a time. Use both hands to gently roll each testicle (with slight pressure) between the fingers. Place the thumbs over the top of the testicle, with the index and middle fingers of each hand behind the testicle, and then roll it between the fingers
  4. Feel for any lumps or bumps along the front or sides. Lumps may be as small as a piece of rice or a pea
  5. Also look out for any swelling, changes in the size of a testicle, a change in the colour of the scrotum, or any pain or achy areas in the groin. These should all be investigated by your doctor.

We tend to think cancer is something that happens to someone else. Until it isn’t. While there are a large number of cancers that are linked to unhealthy lifestyles, sometimes there can be no risk factors at all. This is what makes early screening and detection for diseases like testicular cancer so important.

References

How to be a ‘stand-up’ guy: the antidote to violence.

“Cowboys don’t cry!”

“Suck it up!”

“Man-up”

“Power through!”

“Swallow those tears.”

“Turn that frown around, young man!”

“Be a big boy now! Don’t be scared – just do it.”

 

Since we were small, we men have been conditioned to swallow our feelings. You’re not allowed to cry when you’re sad – because it’s not ‘manly’. You shouldn’t be angry, because that’s ‘dangerous’. With all these judgements about how they feel, men often end up repressing and denying their emotions. Until one day when they can’t hold it in anymore, and plates go flying around the house.

If you’re not allowed to feel and express your sadness, fear and anger, where do these emotions go? What are you supposed to do with these natural responses to life’s ups & downs?

Real men don’t cry.

Telling men not to be sad, scared, or angry, only leads to more problems. Emotional reactions are a healthy part of life: sadness helps us connect to feeling loss, loneliness, or disconnect. Anger signals to us that we want something, something is wrong, or a boundary has been violated. Anxiety signals potential danger. If we judge these emotions as ‘bad’ or don’t allow ourselves to feel and express them in healthy ways, they simply go under the surface, finding unhealthy ways to get out.

Unlike the mantras above suggest, being a real man in the modern world, actually means to be in touch with your feelings in a healthy way. In fact, studies have shown that, through emotional self-management, training in interpersonal skills, and developing skills for social problem-solving, men can get better at healthy expression of difficult or uncomfortable emotions. This will result in less explosive anger, and so less violence.

This also means that anger doesn’t have to be ‘out of control’: you can train yourself towards better emotional control, calm, and happiness, without denying, suppressing, or judging your emotions.

How to develop emotional skills

According to Prof. Marc Brackett from Yale University’s Child Study Centre, you can better manage your emotions, by following the following steps:

  1. Recognise: Practice recognising emotions in yourself and others, by asking: “What am I feeling right now? Anything else? Is any other emotion present for me – even if just at a low volume?”
  2. Understand: Ask yourself: “What is making me feel this way? What will happen if I act on this emotion? What is this emotion trying to tell me?”
  3. Labelling your emotions accurately: Practice getting to know the different emotions, and labelling them accurately: “Is this anger, rage, sadness, frustration, agitation, annoyance, fear, anxiety, hope?”
  4. Express emotions appropriately: Practice sharing how you feel, by simply saying: “I am currently experiencing anger / rage / hopelessness / annoyance.”
  5. Regulating emotions effectively: You can practice calming yourself down by doing slow breathing, going for a walk, counting to 10, or writing down what is bothering you.

Just like it takes practice to build your biceps, triceps or cardio-fitness, it takes practice to build your emotional muscles for better control and mastery. Why not try Prof. Brackett’s Modd-meter app [link: http://moodmeterapp.com/]  today?

References: